This time last year I was about to go into labour. Not many things compare to the excitement and anticipation of meeting your baby. I crave that feeling actually, and can't wait to experience it again. For most people, it goes off without a hitch and they get to blissfully hold their new baby at the end of it. Some people have complications during labour of course, but most times, even then, the baby comes out perfectly ok. Ours didn't. Not a single day has passed in the last 12 months where I have not tearfully thought about seeing my newborn baby in hospital covered in tubes and wires, fighting for his life. Not knowing if he was going to live or die. Not being able to kiss and cuddle your baby like a Mother instinctively wants to. I truly believe you never, ever get over the trauma of that experience. The day my son was born was the best, and THE WORST day of my life. That is a difficult thing, when you want so much to celebrate the amazing life before you but at the same time you reflect on all of the very very hard things you have had to endure.
When we got Joshua's MRI results, they told us they didn't know what the future held for him, but that it probably wasn't good. That we just had to wait and see. I thought that after a year had passed, we'd have a better idea of how things were going. But the truth is, we don't. We still have to wait and see. It is obvious that Joshua has not been severely affected by HIE, but that is about all we know. He has obvious challenges... a small head... developmental delays... we still have no idea what the future holds for him. What we do know is that he is a wonderfully happy, smiley boy that brings joy to everyone around him, that he is a fighter and never gives up, and that he is going to make the best of the life that has been given to him, whatever that may be.
And tomorrow, I am going to try not to cry. I am going to try and put a big smile on my face and eat cake with my amazing baby boy.
HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY JOSHUA!!