I'm feeling a bit emotional these last few days. Joshua is 9 months old tomorrow, and I am starting to think a lot about his birthday. The up and coming birthday mostly, and what we are going to do to celebrate that, but in thinking about his first birthday, it also brings me back to his actual BIRTH day. The best and worst day of my life. I know I want his birthday to be special, to celebrate Joshua and the miracle that he is, and how far he has come from being that baby in the NICU, but at the same time, his birthday is the one year anniversary of a time that was filled with a lot of stress, worry, grief and uncertainty. All of those feelings are still around in varying degrees.
Several of the other HIE parents have said that they allow themselves the day before their child's birthday to be sad, and mourn for the last day that their baby was "perfect" and then they pick themselves up, dust themselves off and use their child's birthday to celebrate all the wonderful things about their life that is. I am not sure how I am going to go. I cry just thinking about it.
I think now, at 9 months old, the gap between Joshua and other children his age is becoming more and more apparent, and his struggle is becoming more and more evident. Last week, for the first time, I cried while watching him try and do something. He wants to do things so badly, and it is so hard for him. He is getting really frustrated, and he is starting to cry a lot because he can't do things. This particular day, he was so angry he started banging his head on the floor. Last week at Baby group, Joshua didn't do anything. He cried every time the physio came near him, and spent most of the time laying on a mat with his dummy and snuggles. It is hard for my heart to take.
I've said it before, and I will say it again. It is not fair. But as I laid in bed this morning with Joshua and had a cry, he looked back at me with his big toothy grin. He is truly amazing.