Monday, November 22, 2010

Mother's Guilt

We all get it.  But some of us have it worse than others.  It is not easy to know that your baby was injured while they were still in your body, a place they are supposed to be safe and protected.  I feel like my body failed me, and failed Joshua.  Is there something wrong with me, and I can't grow good babies?  First I had a miscarriage, and then I got pregnant with Joshua.  He was supposed to be my good healthy baby after my first pregnancy went badly.  And yet something went wrong for Joshua too.  Don't get me wrong.  This little boy is my world.  I didn't know the true power of love until he was born, my love for him consumes me, its strength is overwhelming at times.  He brings me such joy and honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about him.  And yet, things were not supposed to be this way for him.  I know it is not my fault.  Not really..  but there has been many nights when I have laid in bed awake unable to sleep and playing everything over in my mind.

  • Could my blood pressure have had something to do with this?
  • What about my wacky liver function test?
  • Could he have done this to himself?  He was munching on his umbilical cord during the 4D scan I had...  can a baby squeeze their cord so tight that it stops the blood flowing to them properly?
  • What about when I was 26 weeks pregnant and I was laying on the floor on my back and had a 4 year old fall over onto my belly?
  • Is it because I declined the Group B Strep test?
  • Is it because I declined the screening for Gestational Diabetes?  Should I have done those tests?  Would it have made a difference?  (I know it wouldn't have, but these are the thoughts that have gone through my head..)
  • Should I have known during my labour that something wasn't right?  When I was in labour, I did think to myself "If I feel like this, how can the baby be ok?" and I went and checked him with the doppler to make sure he was alright.  (This was prior to the midwives arriving)  His heart rate was fine when I checked it, so I didn't worry anymore...  but was that my sub-conscious telling me something was wrong?
  • What about when I was 29 weeks and went to the Hospital feeling unwell?  Was that when it happened?   
For what is is worth, we gave the doctors all of my blood results with my liver function tests etc in case there was any chance there was any link between that and what happened with Joshua.  We also told them that I'd declined the GBS testing etc.  We told them everything just in case any of it meant anything.  Although the doctors said they didn't think that the insult occurred during the birth, I have since been told by some of the other parents on the Yahoo group that seizures usually start 8 to 12 hours after the insult.  Joshua was about 5 hours old when his seizures started....  and my labour was 10 hours long. So it may well be that the insult occurred while I was in labour.  I don't think we will ever know.  I don't think anybody did anything wrong.  I wanted to have my baby at home, and when it became apparent that there was cause for concern, we went to the hospital.  Once we got to the hospital, the only way he would have come out any faster was to knock me out (I say that because I wasn't the most co-operative patient).  Josie told me she didn't think that was a fact though, because I did still push him out, despite having a bit of "assistance"  The hospital did do a review into my entire pregnancy and labour/delivery.  They do this anytime a baby has been compromised in some way to review their practices and see if something should have been done differently.  I don't actually know what their findings were, but in any case, I am ok with that.  I don't need to blame anybody for this.  Ultimately, every decision that was made came down to me, so if anybody is to blame, it is me.  But what's done is done, it is what it is and we can't change anything now.  
All we can do is love this little boy the best we can.    

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