Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Beginning

I couldn't wait to have a baby.  I've always loved kids.  I would baby sit, I became a girl guide leader and even started working in child care, and then taking on Foster children.  For as long as I can remember, I dreamed about the day I would have a baby.  When I was 6 years old, I used to read the Reader's Digest Family Medical Guide.  It had a section on Child Care, and I would practice all the things it said on my dolls.  I constantly read about all things baby and child related, and I couldn't wait to start a family of my own.

I had decided I wanted to start trying for a baby by the time I turned 25 in April of 2009.  I preferred to be married before having a baby, but if Rod didn't co-operate on that point, then I was going to do it anyway even without a ring!  I started paying attention to my cycles, writing down each month when they started and signed up to a fertility website to chart everything.  Fortunately, Rod and I got engaged on November 28, 2008 after being together for almost 4 years, and set our wedding date for June 13, 2009.  I figured it would take a few months to get pregnant and I was hoping for a honeymoon baby.  As planned, we started trying in April 2009 after my 25th Birthday.  Well, at that time it was more like "not trying, not preventing" with the view that if I wasn't pregnant after our honeymoon, then we'd start making more of an effort.  I was however, charting my basal body temperature every morning and using Ovulation prediction tests that month, just to get an idea of when in my cycle I was ovulating.  As luck would have it, I got pregnant that very first month!  Needless to say, I was over the moon.  I wanted to tell everybody, but with our wedding just a few months away, Rod wanted the opportunity to be able to tell his family in person when they arrived for the wedding before I went blabbering to everyone else.  So, after what seemed like an eternity, the week before our wedding, I had a lunch with my closest friends.

Being a bit of a homebody and a non-drinker, rather than have a traditional Hen's night out on the town, I elected to have a lunch instead which my best friends organised for me with a Garden Party theme.  My mum decided that she was going to be the one to tell the good news, so when everyone was seated at the table, my mum called for attention and then said "I have some exciting news to share with everybody!  I am going to be a Nanna!"  Everyone went silent for a second processing what she said, and when they realised what it meant they all went crazy.  I was 8 and a half weeks pregnant at that stage, and finally happy to be able to talk to people about it!  Sadly though, a couple of days later, I started spotting brown discharge.  Everyone told me, not to worry, brown is old blood, they had brown and everything was fine.  With the wedding only days away, I tried to put it out of my mind and enjoy myself.  Besides, we had an ultrasound booked for the Monday anyway, so we'd know soon enough how things were going.  We had a lovely wedding day, a very casual lunch time affair with just close friends and family, and then we went on the Monday for the ultrasound.  They told us that the pregnancy was not progressing.  I started to miscarry the next day.

I was devastated, and cried and cried.  Off we went a few days later, overseas to Europe on our Honeymoon.  I should have been happy, but I was really, really sad.  I wanted that baby so much, and all I wanted was to be pregnant again.  Exactly 28 days after the miscarriage, my cycle returned like clock work and it was my mission to become pregnant again as soon as possible.  I felt the only way I could ever be happy again, was to get pregnant again and when that month was unsuccessful, I became even more miserable.  The next month came and went, and I was making myself quite crazy with all the testing, but I wanted this so bad.  On the third cycle after the miscarriage I was starting to feel really down.  I was taking pregnancy tests crazy early (before my period was due) and starting to feel like I would never get pregnant again.  I woke up on Friday September 4 and took a pregnancy test.  BIG FAT NEGATIVE.  I was disheartened, but as the day went on I thought to myself, No, I really think I am pregnant, I'm taking another test.  So after lunch that day, I took another test, despite already getting a negative result that morning and not being due for my period to arrive until the Monday.  I squinted at the test, and it was ever so faint, but there it was.  A second line.  My heart soared with happiness!  Now, the ladies on my fertility site love looking at tests like this and looking for these lines, but my husband on the other hand, not as easily convinced.  So I took a digital test, and it came back NOT PREGNANT.  I was bummed, but it was still early and I knew the digital tests were not as sensitive as the ones I'd gotten the faint line on.  So the next morning I decided to try again with a digital.  Rod was going for a walk up to the shop to buy some things, and I was waiting for the result to come up on my test.  There it was, the words I wanted to see - PREGNANT.  I ran out of the house and after Rod in my pyjamas waving the pregnancy test in my hand.  Yippee!

It was only 3 months, but it was the longest three months of my life between miscarrying and getting pregnant again.  Of course, this time I was much more nervous about the whole thing.  I went on ebay and bought myself a doppler.  I started trying to use it from about 8 weeks into the pregnancy.  Some of the women online had been successful this early, but it is not common.  I tried anyway.  I heard my own heart beat, and I was able to distinguish the noises of the blood flowing through the placenta, but that was all.  Until finally, one day I found the sweetest sound.  The thumping of my baby's heart beat.  I was 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant when I found it- the exact gestation I was when I miscarried my first pregnancy.  I cried tears of happiness.  After that, I found myself pulling that thing out nearly every day to reassure myself that all was well.  I started feeling the baby move at about 15 weeks, so then I was able to ease up on my doppler addiction a bit.

I elected not to have any first trimester scans done,  the whole idea was too stressful after the first go around, and I already knew that I wouldn't terminate even if something like Down's Syndrome was found.  However, I did desperately want to know the gender of the baby so we booked in to have the Morphology scan done.  They told me the ideal time to do it was between 18 and a half weeks and 19 and a half weeks.  So I booked it for 18 and a half weeks.  I was so excited and I didn't want to wait another second to find out if we were having a boy or girl.  I had shopping to do you know!!  But when the day of the scan rolled around, I felt sick with fear.  The last ultrasound I had, they told me my baby was dead.  Now, this time I was feeling the baby move so I knew it was alive, but what if something was wrong?  I made myself sick with worry, and vomited up all the water they told me to drink before the scan.  I had to go and pick Rod up from work to come with me, and by the time I got there I was crying hysterically and couldn't even drive, and even then I was telling Rod he had to stop the car because I was going to be sick.  I pulled myself together though, and we went in for the ultrasound.  There on the screen was my precious baby, a baby BOY and he was perfect.  Everything looked as it should, and I was relieved!  I dropped Rod back to work and then off I went, shopping for my baby boy!  I think I bought 90% of my baby purchases that day, I went to every shop and bought every cute boy thing I saw!  I was a bit paranoid though...  it sure looked like a boy to me but what if they got it wrong...  it happens...  So I decided I needed to double check, and booked tickets to Brisbane where my Mum lives.  Unlike here in Darwin, they have 4D ultrasound places where you can go "just for fun".  So, at 26w4d, My mum accompanied me to get my 4D scan done.  It was pretty amazing to see this little fella in my belly getting up to mischief, chomping away on his umbilical cord- and yes, he was still a boy and I made sure to get the pictures to prove it!

Side profile of face
Holding up his legs

The boy parts!

By now, I was over my initial anxiety about the pregnancy and running into problems.  This baby was A-OK, and kicking up a storm in my belly everyday (a pain in the ribs actually!)  I couldn't wait to meet him, my much longed for baby that we had decided to name Joshua.

1 comment:

  1. I'm excited to read your blog about Joshua. He's a beautiful baby and has a beautiful story and I can't wait for the next post!!!